Preventative Counseling… What is it?

Prevent the Superficial Cycle : Why Preventative Counseling is Helping

I still think many people have the misconception that “couples counseling” is only for couples who are on the verge of separating; that “couples counseling” is really just a last resort that requires half-assed effort and little to show for.

I am beyond excited to report that through my experience as a therapist specializing in modern day relationships, couples are voluntarily coming in with more hope and openness for their process… whatever that may look like. They aren’t on the verge of breaking up, in fact, they are asking, “How do we prevent separation?” or “We are pretty happy… how do we stay happy?”

Couples aren’t wanting to come to counseling to serve as an outlet to get out of their relationship, in fact, they are coming to me to get better at being in it.

Because of these couples, I have approached this concept as “preventative counseling.” Preventing the [seemingly] inevitable doom of breaking up or divorcing only a few years after committing themselves to each other in a once, fulfilling and happy relationship.

Why is divorce or separation always an option that plagues the back of our thoughts? Well… that’s a whole other topic that would take a lot more time to dissect. For the purpose of throwing this out there now, I do believe that we live in a society that fears vulnerability and we struggle (especially as a generation) with letting our guards down and really be seen by other people. So, we mask it. This is happening while we upload our [good] photos on social media and dating sites; this is happening when we are “getting to know someone” on our first date; this is even happening when we are in a longterm committed relationship! But why? It seems so damn simple! STOP BEING AFRAID OF BEING YOU.

To avoid sounding harsh here, I will admit. I used to struggle with this too. I hated being vulnerable, especially with men. I hated asking for what I needed and to be 100% frank, I always felt alone even when I had plans every other night and friends in every direction. No one really understood me.

I was tired of living in a fog where I was only portraying 45% of my true self to everyone, (especially when 35% of it was usually intoxicated in some form or reacting uncontrollably to emotions I, myself, wasn’t prepared to face). Yes, at times I had “fun,” but looking back, I can understand why I was so isolated and I didn’t even realize it had everything to do with me.  How did I expect others to get me and really care about me, if I couldn’t even let them in? 

I think many of my clients can relate to this and most are coming in with the same isolating stories…. even in their current long term relationships. 

Because divorce and separation are always on the table, I think we tend to forget the true meaning of commitment.

We want all the bells and whistles, without having to personally work hard for them. We expect the other person to fulfill us; to understand us… we expect that we will just one day wake up and feel completely fearless of sharing everything to our partner and when that day doesn’t come as obvious as we had fantasized, we start to push our partner away even more in fear of never getting there. “There must be someone else out there that can make me happy and who can understand me…” That may be so… but will you avoid being vulnerable with them too? 

So… I get it. We are humans; we are a product of living in a very privileged, but inattentive society and we can successfully “strive” in so many ways without having to admit our faults, failures and insecurities to anyone… not even ourselves. “Fake it ‘till you make it!”….. right? Well, maybe in your career that has been a helpful mantra to live by that has shown you successful outcomes; but in your relationships? Not so much. 

I think we should start to realize that the more we fake it in our relationships; the more we mask our authentic selves to each other… will only continue to lead us feeling more isolated and misunderstood as human beings.

Preventative counseling for couples has been, in my professional and personal opinion, one of the most rewarding approaches to helping people bridge the gap (everyone at some point or situation has experienced) of isolation and misunderstanding. I help couples gain the necessary tools that allow them to build a stronger, deeper foundation that securely connects them in a much more meaningful and authentic way; thus preventing the easy “go-to” solution of breaking up and continuing the same cycle in their next relationship(s).