How to Improve Sex in a Relationship

How to Improve Sex in a Relationship | Here’s How Your SEXpectations may be Limiting Your Sex Life in a Longterm Relationship

I often hear the common complaint from clients regarding their intimacy and sexual relationship with their longterm partner:

“We don’t have as much sex as we used to.”

“We have become complacent. Sex is more of a routine.”

“Our honeymoon stage is way gone.”

“I don’t really ever desire sex.”

Sound familiar?

This is normal. 

I would love to say there is a simple remedy to “fixing” this “problem,” but unfortunately this is a bit more complex than telling you to buy a vibrator or change up your sex positions… (although… that maybe wouldn’t hurt). I believe we tend to stress heavily on our sex lives in our society and when the inevitable strikes of less frequent or less passionate sex, we immediately become bombarded with negative assumptions and insecurities. Most often, we don’t turn toward our partners when this occurs, we become more and more closed off to them. So how do we improve sex in a relationship? Especially a longterm relationship when things have become less and less exciting and the newness of passion has dissolved?

I believe, as anything in our relationship (the friendship, connection, intimacy, passion, fun), we can expect one thing: there will always be change.  It is impossible to stay consistent in every part of our lives and as we feel different on a daily basis about our jobs, our appearance, our motivation… we are going to feel different about our partner and our relationship. I think the issue is the expectations we put on ourselves and our partners to always be “how it used to be,” or just magically “get better” without working at it. We demand that they know what we need, what we require, what we desire. We demand that it stays easy and worry when it becomes more difficult to sustain.

Why? 

I could go on about social media and societal pressures, because I do genuinely believe this has a huge impact on how we see ourselves and our relationships (including our sex lives), but for the moment, I will skip over this and say, it is because we have too high and unrealistic expectations of what a “good sex life” in a relationship looks like.

I have complied a list of realistic expectations of sex in a relationship and if you can test yourself to reframe the current expectations you have of your partner and sex to these, it may help with decreasing the amount of pressure and perceived negative assumptions that have become a wedge in your relationship… or simply, prevent them from occurring in the future:

• How to improve sex in a relationship #1: Expect to work at intimacy for the rest of your life. This means, it is completely false to assume that the “spark” sustains in your relationship naturally and that something is “wrong” if it starts to dissipate. (Although there are exceptions, this is not always the case!) You have to work on the emotional intimacy, trust, mutual respect, vulnerability, romance and patience in a long term relationship. When the sex starts to slow down, maybe it’s telling you those other areas of your relationship are not as strong and you need to communicate about what other needs are not being met for you and your partner in your relationship that may or may not have anything to do with sex!
• How to improve sex in a relationship #2: Expect to work at uncovering your own insecurities and preferences of exploring your own sexuality. Without understanding your own body and having self-awareness about your own struggles, it really is difficult to ask for what you need (or to even know what you need). Be excited about uncovering different sexual experiences as you age together and build more comfortability in your own bodies. Try this Intimacy Guide for prompting questions to help inspire deep understanding.
• How to improve sex in a relationship #3: Expect your partner to have a differing opinion of what “intimacy” and “good sex” even are and do your best at understanding their definition, as well as understanding your own. This means, your partner may find communicating about the day and inquiring about their day, extremely sexy and intimate. This may be a form of “foreplay” for your partner that actually helps build the desire to want to have more passionate or frequent sex. Without knowing this, you may both be passing up daily opportunities to build the trust and emotional connection in the relationship that fosters the passion in your sex lives.
• How to improve sex in a relationship #4: Expect your sex life to be cyclical. Meaning, sometimes it will feel effortless, romantic and passionate… and sometimes it will be the last thing on your mind. This is normal! A “fulfilling and healthy sex life” doesn’t have to look like a Ryan Gosling film filled with romance and six-packs… nor does it have to look like a certain number per week. A “fulfilling and healthy sex life” is what you and your partner decide feels right to both of you. My belief, a “healthy sex life” means being open, feeling safe enough to be vulnerable and most importantly, being able to communicate about your needs, fantasies, insecurities, concerns and desires.
• How to improve sex in a relationship #5: Expect your partner to not know how to read your mind. Again… which means, you have to feel safe to communicate and have to know what you are trying to communicate.
• How to improve sex in a relationship #6: Expect you and your partner to have different sex drives. (Most couples do, and it’s often impossible to find two people consistently obtaining the same sex drive for the rest of their lives). This can be worked around when you discuss and fully understand what gets your partner going. This takes time and patience… This takes being committed to your partner’s needs and being understanding of their differences respectfully.
• How to improve sex in a relationship #7: Expect to feel rejected from time to time. And know this is OK. Because not every two people are exactly alike, you may find that when you attempt to approach your partner to initiate sex, they may not be interested. A good rule of thumb, communicate with your partner about how you feel when you initiate it and when your feelings may have gotten hurt when you felt rejected; also listen to your partner communicate how they may prefer to be approached to reduce the feeling of rejection and offer a suggestion of how it may feel less hurtful for them to turn you down if they aren’t in the mood for the future. A good example may be, “I’m sorry babe, I appreciate you trying to get me going but right now I’m too exhausted to allow myself to get there. Can we reschedule this for tomorrow?” (And actually follow through). This can feel devastating to a partnership, hence why it is so important to be respectful of when you aren’t on the same page. Try to work at equally initiating sex regularly.
• How to improve sex in a relationship #8: Expect to have insecurities about sex from time to time and know that it’s OK, because you’re human. When building the trust and vulnerability with your partner becomes more comfortable, the sexual insecurities will become less intense and will help with communicating about what you need or want in the bedroom. Without feeling the trust with your partner, it is impossible to feel safe enough to explore your sexuality with them… which is sort of the whole point, right? So talk to them about it. They may have the reassurance that is crucial for you to start breaking away at your own self-image or sexuality concerns.

The biggest point to highlight here is sex is not the most important part of a relationship. To experience a fulfilling sex life in a longterm relationship, you need to be open to building on the other essential parts to feeling connected with your partner. Sex and passion are important components to a longterm relationship, but the key to working at it is building the other pillars of trust, vulnerability and communication, that help create it and hold the passionate sex life together.

If you and your partner are experiencing a decrease in sex, sexual passion and intimacy, it may be a great time to explore seeking out support with helping bridge the essential gaps to create a solid foundation for all parts of your relationship. A passionate sex life is difficult to sustain because it requires more and more intimacy and vulnerability as your relationship because more and more complex.

If you are interested in learning more about me and my counseling services in Denver, CO feel free to contact me. Thanks for reading!